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Just when you thought SkyMall’s offerings couldn’t get any more ridiculous, we’re back with another round of silliness as a follow-up to 9 Useless Items You Can Buy at 35,000 Feet, straight from the company’s summer 2013 catalog.

Editor’s Note: Click on the thumbnail images for a larger view of each product.

singing toothbrush7. Singing Toothbrush: Just can’t get enough of Justin Bieber? Bring him into the bathroom with you … while you brush your teeth, that is. This toothbrush plays your choice of tunes from the Biebs, Lady Gaga, LMFAO or Psy for two minutes while you clean your pearly whites. Fun? Sure. Necessary? At $14.99 each, not so much.

rednek party cup6. Rednek Party Cup: Let everyone know that you’re classier than the average frat boy at your next cocktail get-together with these melamine and glass cups. They’re whimsical, and they’re useful, but at $12.95 apiece, we wouldn’t recommend using them for beer pong.

mademoiselle floor lamp5. Mademoiselle Floor Lamp: Looking for the perfect accent piece to decorate your home’s dungeon in the basement? Resembling a headless woman wrapped in faux leather, this lamp will surely fit the bill. Speaking of the bill, this conversation-starter will set you back $499 (not including $99 for shipping and handling).

replacement collar dress shirt4. Replacement Collar Dress Shirt: Perfect for the lazy, white-collar (no pun intended) bachelor, this snazzy dress shirt comes with two removable collars. When one gets dirty or wears out, simply replace it with a new one via Velcro strips. For just $29.99, you can eliminate unsightly collar-sweat stains … and any chance of finding a date for this weekend. It’s a shame this must-have fashion piece doesn’t also come with replaceable armpits.

toppik hair building fibers3. Toppik Hair Building Fibers: Correct the appearance of thinning hair with this … stuff. What we’ve gathered from the description is that it’s basically colored baby powder that’s sprinkled onto existing hair to create the appearance of a thicker mane. Choose from nine different colors for $21.95, and watch as it stands up to “wind, rain and perspiration.” We hear it also outlasts nuclear winter, withstands chicken pox and repels telemarketers.

zombie of montclaire moors2. Zombie of Montclaire Moors: For just $99.95, this creepy zombie garden statue will make it look like the undead are pushing daisies from under that pristine flower bed you just planted in your backyard. Some assembly is required — it ships in three pieces. (Tip: Place one of his arms in a nearby birdbath for a more authentic look.)

humunga tongue1. Humunga Lips, Tongue and ‘Stache: Would your dog look better with a mustache or a pair of bright red lips? We didn’t think so, but apparently the weird-stuff purveyors at What on Earth did. These comical canine rubber balls come with a tongue, a mustache or lips attached. They’ll set you back anywhere from $12.95 to $17.95 each, depending on size.

The Most Awkward Moments in Travel
16 Signs You’re Addicted to Travel

– written by Ashley Kosciolek

sea turtle babyI love animals, and I love travel. Combine the two, and I’m all smiles. Whether it’s volunteer work, taking a tour or finding a new pet, there are lots of ways to involve yourself with different species while you travel close to home. Below is a list of five examples. Feel free to add your own in the comments, too.

Sea Turtle Release

This annual occurrence — generally late-June through mid-August — at Padre Island National Seashore in Corpus Christi, Texas, allows spectators to watch as groups of newly hatched baby sea turtles are gently nudged toward the sea by park officials. Anywhere from 15 to 25 releases per year are open to the public.

Manatee Observation

Florida is a great place to catch a glimpse of manatees in the wild. A perfect spot to see them is at Lee County Manatee Park in Fort Myers, Florida. Just remember: they’re wild animals, so don’t touch them as you enjoy the views of them swimming around in front of you.

Hermit Crab Adoption

If you’re in the market for a low-maintenance pet, stop by Jenkinson’s Pier in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, and purchase some hermit crabs. Be sure to buy at least two, as they’re social animals who thrive in groups. Keep in mind, though, that they aren’t throw-away pets, and they do require a small level of care.

In Your Face: 9 Up-Close Animal Encounters

Miniature Horse Rehabilitation

Volunteer at the Triple H Miniature Horse Rescue in Mandan, North Dakota, where abused and unwanted miniature horses are brought to live or be rehabilitated for adoption.

Cow-Milking on a Working Dairy Farm

Try your hand at milking a cow, and interact with goats at Hinchley’s Dairy Farm in Cambridge, Wisconsin, which offers tours three times a day from April through October.

– written by Ashley Kosciolek

airport securityFollowing an outpouring of opposition from flight attendants and government officials, the Transportation Security Administration recently decided to scrap its plan to allow passengers to carry small knives (of 2.36 inches or less) once again on planes — a practice that’s been prohibited since the attacks of September 11, 2001.

It got us thinking: while some travel-related policies are meant to keep us safe — like the in-cabin knife ban that has been upheld — there are others that seem to serve no purpose whatsoever for consumers. Below, we examine four of them.

Currency Conversion Charges
If you’ve ever used your credit card abroad and been hit with fees for currency conversion, you’re not alone. In some cases, the fees are a percentage of the amount charged — which can add up to a heck of a lot if you’re paying for something expensive like a hotel room. Does it really cost anything for card companies to convert the charges, or is it just one more way for them to make money?

The Best Way to Carry Money Overseas

Airport Security Shoe Removal
If I’m wearing tall, cavernous boots that could hide a bomb or stilettos so high they might double as weaponry, I understand this rule; if I’m wearing flip-flops, I don’t. But wait! The TSA is making exceptions of late. If you’re really young or really old, you can leave your shoes on. As we all know, terrorists are only between the ages of 13 and 74.

Nontransferable Tickets
It’s a concept that’s so rigid it serves only to sell more seats on planes. Life happens, and, sure, airlines can accommodate changes … for the right price, of course. Spelled your name wrong during the booking process? Perhaps you’ll get a sympathetic ear on the phone, and you’ll be allowed to change it without too much of a hassle. Or maybe you’ll be forced to pay a change fee or, worse yet, rebook completely. But forget about simply switching the name on your companion ticket if your flaky friend decides she can’t accompany you on that expensive vacation after all.

What Not to Do at the Airport

Mandatory Extra Fees
Raise your hand if you’ve booked a hotel or a rental car for one price and been slapped with “mandatory extras” after the fact. I recently took a trip to the Dominican Republic, where the driving conditions are so perilous that I was forced to pay for insurance on my rental car, even though my insurance provider back in the U.S. had me covered. And let’s not forget about the time I went to Las Vegas with friends, only to be pummeled with a “resort fee” because — gasp! — our hotel had a pool (which, to be honest, is a standard amenity at any hotel worth its salt). Let’s get it straight: if something is “mandatory,” it’s not an “extra” — it’s part of the price.

Which travel policies do you think are silly, unfair or outdated? Post them in the comments.

– written by Ashley Kosciolek

unhappy travelerAs is the case with most things, air travel has come a long way. Gone are the days of breezing into an airport 30 minutes before your flight leaves and visiting the captain in the cockpit before taking your seat. What hasn’t changed, though, is the fact that people love to complain — so we’ve come up with the following list of travel gripes to take you back to the policies of yore. Read on, reminisce and be sure to leave your own additions in the comments section below.

Then: “My bags are so heavy I won’t be able to carry them all.”
Now: “My bags are so expensive I won’t be able to pay for them all.”

Forget nickel-and-diming. Fees for checked bags are becoming downright ridiculous.

7 Smart Ways to Bypass Baggage Fees

Then: “I’ll walk you to your gate.”
Now: “I’ll walk you to the ticket counter.”

Regulations have become so strict that you can’t accompany a traveling friend or loved one to the gate anymore. In fact, you can’t even make it much past the ticket counter without proof that you’re actually flying.

Then: “Will this flight really take five hours?”
Now: “Will this security line really take five hours?”

Little known tidbit: Experts* say the amount of time it takes to clear the security checkpoints at the airport is equivalent to the amount of time it takes to plan for, pack for and work enough hours to pay for a trip.

*By “experts,” we mean nobody at all.

Then: “What do you mean I can’t bring a rocket launcher onboard?”
Now: “What do you mean I can’t bring a snow globe onboard?”

As if packing weren’t already difficult enough, now we’re reduced to toting the world’s tiniest bottles of shampoo and conditioner. And does lip balm go in the quart-sized bag or not?

Airport Security: Your Questions Answered

Then: “The person next to me is smoking.”
Now: “The person next to me is taking up half of my seat.”

Sure, the ways in which fellow fliers infringe on your personal space has changed, but the basic fact that they infringe hasn’t changed at all.

Then: “I’m 6’2″, and I have hardly any room to stretch my legs.”
Now: “I’m 6’2″, and I have even less room to stretch my legs.”

As airlines try to cram more passengers on each flight, seats have become smaller and smaller while passengers seem to get larger.

How to Get the Best Airplane Seat

Then: “This food isn’t good.”
Now: “This food isn’t free.”

It used to be that passengers would complain about the quality of the food. Now they complain about having to pay for the right to complain about the quality of the food.

What would you add to this list?

– written by Ashley Kosciolek

If you’re lucky, you’ve never experienced the sinking feeling you get when your luggage doesn’t show up on the carousel post-flight. But if you’re me — or one of millions of other fliers — you deal with said feeling by either praising yourself for packing a well-stocked carry-on or immediately going into panic mode.

Regardless of your luck with lost bags (or lack thereof), you’ll likely be comforted to know that, according to SITA (Societe Internationale de Telecommunications Aeronautiques) — an organization that deals with air transportation communications and works with most major airlines — the number of incidents of mishandled bags has been nearly cut in half over the last five years.

Fun with Numbers: Report Exaggerates Airline Complaints

To see the numbers in an easy-to-understand format, check out the infographic below, published by Irish Independent and designed by Boldface on Visual.ly. (Click the image to see a larger version). It shows that the number of mishandled bag incidents in 2007 was nearly 47 million; in 2012, the number was down to a little more than 26 million — a decline of nearly 45 percent. (Note: “Mishandled bags” includes luggage that fell victim to transfer mishandling, loading failure, loading errors, arrival mishandling, airport/customs/weather-related issues, ticketing errors/baggage switches or tagging errors.)

Source

But wait. Isn’t 26 million a lot? It’s a huge number overall, but the graphic also states that nearly 3 billion passengers flew in 2012. That means less than 1 percent of all passengers had a mishandled bag.

So let’s keep this in perspective. Yes, there are still far too many lost bags, but at least it seems like the airlines are doing something about it.

What to Do if an Airline Loses Your Bag

What’s your take? Have you lost a bag? Do the stats make you feel more secure — or more likely to pack an extra-large carry-on? Weigh in with your comments below.

–written by Ashley Kosciolek

couple with tablet If you’re reading this, you’re clearly wired. Perhaps you limit yourself to perusing travel Web sites’ blogs, but if you’re like most of us, you likely throw some e-mail and social media into the mix, too. Whether it’s sharing photos from your current travels on Facebook or tweeting about a harrowing airport experience, we’re curious how long you can go without staying connected.

In a recent Facebook poll, we asked this: What’s the longest you can go when traveling without checking your e-mail/Facebook/Twitter/social media outlet of choice?

Given that the vehicle for the poll is Facebook, it’s amusing that the general consensus among those who commented is that they can forego online communication when a vacation is involved. (It’s also worth noting that several respondents mentioned cruises, where it can be difficult — and particularly expensive — to get Internet or cell phone service.)

“Social media, likely not a problem,” says Wynne Gavin. “E-mail? Now THAT would be hard, but since that’s the way I’d keep in touch and let people know I was ok, it’s moot.”

Steven Long says he sticks it out through his whole trip: “… through the entire cruise! I do not need Facebook to live!”

Lavida Rei takes it a step further, claiming she could go “forever” without it if she really wanted to.

What’s your take? How do you keep in touch while traveling? Weigh in below.

How to Escape While Staying Connected

– written by Ashley Kosciolek

airplane silhouetteI have just as many gripes about airlines as the next person, and given that I’m a travel journalist, I tend to smile and nod vehemently when they’re crucified for decreasing seat sizes and charging for things like carry-on bags. But I can’t keep my mouth shut on this one.

After analyzing federal data, a group of private researchers says airline complaints from passengers increased by about 20 percent in 2012, despite more on-time flights and fewer lost bags, the Associated Press reports.

While I agree that customer complaints are bad — in an ideal world, there would be none at all — the article goes on to say this: “United Airlines had the highest consumer complaint rate of the 14 airlines included in the report, with 4.24 complaints per 100,000 passengers.” Forgive me if I sound insensitive, but is there really a reason to be terribly concerned if the worst offender generates only four complaints for every 100,000 of its passengers?

And let’s not forget this added tidbit: “That was nearly double the airline’s complaint rate the previous year.” Oh, the horror! Now four of every 100,000 United passengers are angry instead of two? I think I just heard the audience gasp.

To be fair, these numbers only include the passengers who were annoyed enough to report their grievances to the U.S. Department of Transportation; there are probably many more who took their complaints solely to the airline. And of course, seeing the number of complaints double is never a good sign. But let’s keep things in perspective.

Does Your Flight Attendant Hate You?

The AP also notes that larger planes and smaller seat sizes, which allow airlines to cram more passengers onto each plane, still aren’t enough to offset the decreased number of available flights — meaning last year saw a rise in the number of passengers bumped due to overbooking. “The rate at which passengers with tickets were denied seats because planes were full rose to 0.97 denials per 10,000 passengers last year, compared with 0.78 in 2011.”

In plain English, it means that of every 10,000 passengers, less than one person gets bumped because his or her flight is full. Can I get a big, fat “so what?”

Let’s focus on what the airlines are doing right. Want your bag to get to your destination at the same time you do? You’re in luck. According to the AP, the mishandled bag rate was 3.07 in 2012, down from 3.35 bags the previous year (and a high of 7.01 bags back in 2007). That means about three of every 1,000 bags were mishandled in the last two years. Yes, I’ve had lost luggage, and I know that for those three passengers, it’s terrible. But the stats are getting better.

The same is true for on-time arrivals, about 82 percent of which arrived on time in 2012 — an improvement over the 80 percent that landed on time in 2011.

I happen to think this is a positive outlook for the industry. Now, if only someone could figure out ways to speed up the security process and keep that middle seat unoccupied.

16 Ways to Get Through the Airport Faster

What do you think? Is the report full of hot air, or does it have merit? Weigh in below.

–written by Ashley Kosciolek

overweight air traveler passenger airplane obeseDo you weigh a lot? You could end up paying a lot (more) for flights if airlines take a new “pay as you weigh” proposal seriously. The essay, written by a professor at a university in Norway, proposes three options for charging overweight passengers more money, explaining that the heavier a passenger is, the higher the fuel cost for the airline to transport that person. The author argues that said changes would benefit not only the airlines, but also consumers, both in terms of in-flight comfort (passengers would sit in seats of appropriate sizes) and overall health (it could be an incentive to lose weight).

More Obese Fliers, Smaller Airplane Seats?

Option 1
This option would involve a straightforward per-pound model, where passengers pay a fixed price per pound. Skinnier and/or shorter passengers would obviously pay less than taller, heavier ones.

Option 2
Under this scenario, each passenger would pay a base fare, and adjustments would be made from there — heavier passengers would be charged more, or lighter passengers would be charged less.

Option 3
In this model, three separate fares would be offered, based on body weight: one fare for underweight passengers, one fare for average passengers and one fare for overweight passengers. For the sake of his argument, the author uses the following as ballpark figures, which include the total weight of both the passenger and his or her luggage: underweight = less than or equal to 75 kg (165 pounds), average weight = 76 – 125 kg (167.5 – 275.5 pounds) and overweight = 126 kg (278 pounds) or more.

Poll: Should Obese Passengers Be Required to Buy a Second Seat?

The proposal, which seems logistically impossible, is unlikely to be adopted by airlines anytime soon, but the essay does address several bones of contention that might arise if it’s put into practice in the future. Won’t it discriminate against overweight/muscular/tall/pregnant people? How will it be enforced? How will it affect things like check-in time if airline personnel have to weigh luggage AND passengers?

“Weigh in” with your thoughts below.

– written by Ashley Kosciolek

santo domingo dominican republicBefore my recent trip to the Dominican Republic, I was warned by a number of colleagues, relatives and friends (including one who’s Dominican) that I should be careful. Not just “don’t drink the water” careful, but “wear no jewelry, don’t make eye contact and don’t even think about going outside at night” careful. The good news: I survived my trip safe and sound. But with so many dire warnings, I didn’t stop to consider some of the more practical (and less dangerous) issues I might encounter.

Rental Car Runaround
Scenario: Even though I’d reserved a rental car ahead of time for pickup at the airport, it still took an hour for the paperwork to go through — and I was the only customer.

Lesson: Because of differences in languages and processing methods, you should always leave extra time for things like this, especially in places with a slower pace of life.

Scenario: After the first time I stopped to refuel, the car wouldn’t start. I called the rental agency, who told me that the vehicle’s keyless entry safety feature was prohibiting the engine from turning over. I clicked a few buttons, and the car started right up.

Lesson: Ask if there’s anything specific you should know about the car before you leave the rental agency. Ask also for a phone number where you can reach someone if you have problems (and keep a phrasebook handy in case the person on the other end doesn’t speak your language).

The First 10 Minutes of Your Car Rental

Scenario: On the day I flew home, I tried to return the rental car an hour earlier than scheduled — but nobody was at the desk. I waited 20 minutes before calling the customer service number again. I was told that because I was an hour early, nobody would be there to take the key. I was instructed to hide it behind the computer at the rental counter.

Lesson: In other countries, not all businesses are open during what we would consider “normal” operating hours. This is especially true in locations that don’t see many tourists. Treat rental car reservations like doctor’s appointments: show up only at the times you specify for rental and return.

GPS Guffaw
Scenario: While driving from the airport to my hotel, the GPS in my rental car kept screaming at me to “turn right” when no right turns were present, leaving me lost in Santo Domingo for two hours. I called my hotel’s front desk, and they were able to get me on the right path.

Lesson: Don’t rely entirely on technology when traveling. If possible, find and print directions to take with you in case your cell phone or GPS gets lost, breaks or dies along the way. And carry the phone number of someone at your destination in case you find yourself in a pinch.

3 C’s: Credit Cards, Currency and Cell Phones
Scenario: My credit card was denied when I tried to purchase snacks. I paid with cash and promptly called the company to discuss the problem. (I always call to alert my bank and my credit card company before traveling to avoid having my cards blocked when I need them most.) I was told that some card companies won’t allow transactions in certain locations if they’re considered “high-risk.”

Lesson: Sure, you know to tell your card company that you’ll be globetrotting, but it’s also a good idea to bone up on its policies regarding the specific places you’re visiting. Keep the company’s phone number handy and carry cash as a backup.

The Best Way to Carry Money Overseas

Scenario: On my last day, I made a wrong turn on the way to the airport. (Thanks again, GPS.) I found myself at a pesos-only tollbooth (having purposefully gotten rid of my remaining pesos immediately prior) and conjured up my high-school Spanish to ask if they’d accept U.S. dollars. When two heavily armed police came out of the booth, I took that as a firm “no.” But one officer did offer me 500 pesos — enough for the toll — in exchange for a $20 bill. He made a $10 profit on the deal, but you don’t refuse a man with a machine gun when he stands in the way of your flight back to civilization.

Lesson: Always carry enough local currency to get you through end of your trip. Airports usually offer exchange services, so don’t worry about having too much leftover cash.

Scenario: Although I added international texting and data coverage to my cell phone plan before embarking on this adventure, I turned down the international calling plan since I didn’t think I’d use it. But with all my hapless calls to the hotel, car rental agency and credit card company, I used quite a few minutes. At $2.95 a pop, I’m now facing a pretty nasty bill.

Lesson: Always, always say yes to a calling plan. If you run into trouble, phone calls are almost always your best means of finding help. Keep in mind, too, that if you’re traveling abroad, your phone will be roaming the second it connects to a network, even if you don’t make any calls. Because service can be spotty in some locations, ask your carrier about availability and consider purchasing a prepaid phone when you arrive at your destination.

International Cell Phone Guide

–written by Ashley Kosciolek

I love to globetrot, but I’m not the biggest fan of air travel — particularly because I get bored on flights longer than an hour (which, unfortunately, is most of them). Cue SkyMall, the infamous and ubiquitous mail-order catalog found in most seatback pockets. Targeting impulse buyers who have nothing better to do while soaring, it provides a means of procuring “Star Wars” plush toys, talking dog collars, gold-dipped roses and even Harry Potter’s wand. If those examples aren’t ridiculous enough, check out our list of the nine most head-scratching, money-wasting, dust-collecting products from the company’s early spring 2013 catalog.

Editor’s Note: Click on the thumbnail images for a larger view of each product.

skyrest9. SkyRest Travel Pillow: If you’ve ever fallen asleep on a flight and woken up with a stiff neck, this lap-based, wedge-shaped travel pillow appears to offer an affordable ($30) solution. Its cumbersome size may initially be a turn-off, but don’t worry — it’s inflatable, ensuring that you’ll thoroughly disturb the person in the seat next to you with all of the huffing and puffing required to blow it up.

nano uv wand8. Nano-UV Wand: Pack this $160 bad boy when you travel, and you can instantly kill dust mites and their eggs on pillows, bedding and carpets, according to the ad. Awesome — now you can sleep on dead bugs instead of bedbugs. If your sheets aren’t what’s worrying you, you can also pick up less expensive models for killing foodbourne bacteria ($60) or for sanitizing dinner plates and tap water while traveling ($100).

bacon pillow7. Bacon Throw and Pillow: Now bacon lovers of the world can do more than just eat it; they can sleep on it, too. This polyester pair is expensive at about $65 for both items, and apart from the hefty price, my question is simply: Why bacon? Why not eggs? Why not pancakes? I’d imagine the hash browns feel pretty left out too.

dermatend cream6. DermaTend: Talk about getting personal. With this handy-dandy tube of miracle cream, you can “safely remove your unwanted moles and skin tags at home.” Ranging in price from $40 to $100 (depending, of course, on how many moles you have), this product can be described in one word: gross.

porch potty5. Porch Potty: Has your pooch ever wanted his very own patch of synthetic grass on which to do his business? This wicker-enclosed 52″ x 6″ faux lawn — including a drain hose for outdoors, a catch basin for indoors and a scented fire hydrant — is certainly one step up from a Wee-Wee Pad, but at $260, it should be. For an extra $20, they’ll even throw in a sprinkler system to clean the Porch Potty. (After all, if you’re too lazy to take your dog outside in the first place, it’s likely you’ll also be too lazy to clean this darn thing.)

tabletop photo studio4. Tabletop Photo Studio: If you find yourself wanting to take professional photos on the go, be sure to pick up this portable 40-inch foldable photo studio ($200), which will give you the perfect shot … after you set up one of four backdrops, a tripod, two lights and whatever it is you’re hoping to photograph. For a smaller — but equally intricate and infuriating — experience, you can always try the 20-inch one instead ($100).

bigfoot garden yeti3. Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti: Pink flamingos are SO last-century. If you agree, show your disdain by snagging yourself one of these statues. It’s sure to be a conversation-starter at any garden party. (“Pssst! Did you SEE that thing? It’s so tacky!”) Ranging in height from 21″ to nearly 6 feet, medium ($90), large ($125) and life-size ($2,250) versions are available. Oh, and don’t forget to budget up to $200 extra for delivery charges.

mounted squirrel head2. Mounted Squirrel Head: Don’t hunt? Don’t worry! Pretend you do with this disturbing and not-at-all-lifelike squirrel head … and torso … and arms. Ew. This item is perfect for anyone interested in glorifying roadkill or a “Deliverance” revival. I beg you, spend your $25 elsewhere.

igrow hair rejuvenation1. iGrow Hair Rejuvenation: If you’re in flight and really wishing you had more hair, this is one product you won’t want to pass up. Expose your scalp to 51 lasers and LED lights that will regrow what nature has taken away. This gadget, which will set you back a cool $695, looks like a cross between a space-age bicycle helmet and unnecessarily large headphones (for use with the built-in iPod interface, naturally). Whether you’re a male or a female, you’ll look stunning in this … contraption.

Pack This: 11 Versatile Travel Essentials
The Ultimate Guide to Travel Packing

Would you try any of these products? Are you a SkyMall fan? Share your thoughts below.

– written by Ashley Kosciolek